The Very Slashy Live Journals POTC Style
by vejgeta9
Summary: These are the thoughts and experiences of the members of the Black Pearl, Port Royal and Tortuga. References to Jack’s Eyes, Eunuchism, monkeys, spanking the monkey, gold fondling, rum fondling, pirate kinkiness, Evil Shagging Pirates, Rageti’s corset


* * *

The Very Slashy Live Journals 

Pirates Of the Caribbean

Chapter 1

Will Turner

Summary: These are the thoughts and experiences of the members of the Black Pearl, Port Royal and Tortuga. References to Jack's Eyes, Eunuchism, monkeys, spanking the monkey, gold fondling, rum fondling, pirate kinkiness, Evil Shagging Pirates, Rageti's corsets, Elizabeth's butterfly, Gillette's stockings, Norrington's dildo, Will's 'sword practicing' and Barbossa's quest to 'bite' the 'apples' are included.

Disclaimers:

This parody is rated NC-17XS, which means that !Slash! sex is involved here. This parody is in no way connect with Arrmaitee's Very Slashy Live Journals – Harry Potter, his own Live Journal, entitled Arrmaitee's Live Journal, Cassandra "Cassie" Claire, her _Lord of the Rings_ fan fiction series, _The Very Secret Diaries_, or her LiveJournals, _Cassieclaire_ and _Epicyclical_.

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by Walt Disney, it's writers, and is not intended for profit, investment, infringment, and is just for good, slashy fun. I do not know the actors and can say that NONE of this happened in the movie, well, not the copy I have anyway.

Special Thanks Arrmaitee, thanks for the inspiration.

Matt, luv, this chapter is for you.

* * *

Chapter 1: Will Turner 

**Post 1  
**  
Got on the _SS Slash_.  
  
Was going to be the 'Cabin Boy'.  
  
Saw strange boat.  
  
Saw strangely attractive crew on strange boat.  
  
Waved at strangely attractive crew and dropped hanky.  
  
Strangely attractive crew on strange boat sanked our ship!!  
  
Current Mood: Wet  
  
Comments:  
This is all **YOUR** fault!! You should have never waved!!  
_SS Slash Captain_  
  
But I dropped my hankie, just like you taught me!!  
_Will  
_  
Great... now we're going to die...  
_SS Slash Captain_  
  
Well, I'm not, since the story is about me and Elizabeth, who I love, but then because of the slashly undertones I really love Jack, who is the pirate that I want to take my virginity but because this is a "family movie" I have to be with Elizabeth... Hello? Captain?  
_Will _

* * *

**Post 2**

Woke up on deck of new ship.

Saw scarry girl in rich, puffy dress.

Wondering how I would look in rich, puffy dress.

Scarry girl tried to snog me!!

Oh, she just wanted my necklace. _(Sighs in relief)_

Current mood: Still Wet

Comments:

I am NOT SCARRY!! How DARE you incinuate that I'm SCARRY?!  
_Elizabeth_

STOP!! MAKE THE SCARRY GIRL GO AWAY!!  
_Will_

I _WILL_ have you. You _ARE_ mine. Look _DEEP_ into my eyes...  
_Elizabeth_

_(Screams in horror and passes out_.)  
_Will_

* * *

_Ten years have passed._

**Post 3**

Woke up after being sleep for 10 years.

Became best blacksmith overnight!

Govenor Swann said he wanted my 'sword'!

My 'sword'! Not that stuck-up git's named Norrie!!

Have to be there before the sundial chimes at 10:00.

Debated wearing rich, puffy dress I stole from Elizabeth.

Current mood: Bouncy

Comments:

WILL!! GIVE ME BACK MY DRESS!! AND MY CORSET!!  
_Elizabeth_

I... I don't have your dress...stuffs dress in trunk And I don't have your corset!!  
_Will_

I have your corset, poppet!! And it fits, too!! You can have it back when I'm done... (_Shudders in ecsasty and eye pops out_.)  
_Rageti_

That's ok... j...just keep it.  
_Elizabeth_

* * *

**Post 4**

Wore good lace garter belts for nothing.

Turns out that Govenor Swann actually wanted a 'real sword'.

Supposed to be for Norrie.

Everything is for Norrie!!

It's always 'Norrie, Norrie, Norrie!!!'

And everyone wonders why I'm on prozac!!

Current mood: Bitchy

Comments:  
Now, now, Will. Be nice. I would love to see your 'other sword' later.  
_Govenor Swann_

I don't want to now.  
_Will_

That's ok. Why look at his when you can play with mine all day. Peferably after dark when the lights go out and no one can see that I shagged my way to the top, of course.  
_Norrington_

You cheating bastard!! How dare you shag Govenor Swann without me? Give me back my best stockings, you brute!!  
_Gillete_

Reminder to self: Must disable friends posts.  
_Will_

* * *

**Post 5**

Went back to shop.

Saw Brown.

Saw black garter belts.

Saw 'elbow' grease.

Saw hat. Hat?

A strangely attractive pirate!! Help!! He wants to take me captive and ravage my goodies!!

Current Mood: Hopeful

Comments:  
Umm... this is where we sword fight, mate. Stop screaming like a strumpet!  
_Jack_

Oh... '_sword fight'_, huh? I've never heard it called that, but I'm... willing to try anything once... or twice... or three times...(_wink wink nudge nudge)  
__Will_

I will impale you with my cutlass!  
_Jack_

And you talk dirty, too!! Yes, impale me with your '_cutlass_'!! Take me **NOW**!!!  
_Will_

You_ **really **_need to find yourself a girl, mate!  
_Jack_

* * *

**Post 6**

Turns out that Jack was right.

Must sword fight with wickedly sexy pirate.

Want to 'sword fight' with wickedly sexy pirate.

Told him I pratice 3 hours a day.

In black garter belts.

In the daytime.

Got pirate with sexy eyes hot and bothered.

Pulled out 'other sword'.

Yummm...

Current Mood: Horny

Comments:Oh yes, luv! You KNOW what you're doing! This feels familiar. Have we done this before?  
_Jack_

_(Looks innocent)_ Oh no, Mr. Pirate!! I've _never_ done _this_ before!! _(wink wink nudge nudge)  
Will_

* * *

**Post 7**

Jack is soooo kinky!!!

Wanted me to bend over and show my 'assets'.

Said it would only sting.

Stuck the head in...

YYYYEEEEOOOOCCCCHHHH!!!!

STING MY ARSE, THAT HURTS!!!!

But... I like it!!

Current mood: Hornier than ever!!

Comments:  
Hold still, luv. I haven't even put the whole head (_shudders and passes out)  
Jack_

What? It's OVER?! But... but I didn't get to come!!  
_Will_

I'll make you come, laddie... (_hiccup)  
Mr. Brown_

Ewwwww.... (Well, maybe later...)  
_Will_

**

* * *

Post 8**

Norrie came in. Thought he wanted a threesome.

Love Norrie.

Nope, just wanted Jack.

Said something about '_little_' Jack almost getting away.

Tossed me his old butt plug and said for me to '_have fun'_'.

Hate Norrie.

Current Mood: Pissed off, but strangely turned on

Comments:  
I DO need that back, Mr. Turner. Gillete left it, I mean, found it on our last pirate raid. It... it's evidence.  
_Norrington_

You kinky bastard!!! How DARE you give him the butt plug I gave you for your birthday!! You're SSSOOOO not getting any tonight!!  
_Gillete_

* * *

**Post 9**

Evil pirates came to town.

Heard they were shagging town's people.

Ran out to see said shagging.

Saw Elizabeth with said evil pirates that were shagging said town's people.

Saw Elizabeth SHAGGING said evil pirates that were shagging said town's people.

Saw...

Current mood: Unconscious

Comments:  
SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!! SPAM!!!

If you would like to unsubsribe to Yahoo Groups, slick here.  
_Yahoo Groups Moderator_

I hate spam.  
_Will_

* * *

**Post 10**

Elizabeth got kidnapped!!

Good, now I don't have to do the snogging scene with her.

She shagged evil pirates!!

Why can't I shag a pirate?

He doesn't have to be evil!!

Just... kinky...

Need to... pratice my 'sword techqunes' better!!

Must pratice now!!

Current mood: Still Horny!!

Comments:

Will you stop bloodly praticing and come bust me out?  
_Jack_

Bust you out? But I thought you were a top?  
_Will_

He was.  
_Norrington_

* * *

**Post 11**

Decided to bust Jack out of jail.

Decided to run off with Jack on the Black Pearl and shag him senseless.

Was informed by Disney that I have to save Elizabeth or they would make me a eunech.

Decided to rescue Elizabeth.

Maybe I could "accidently" leave her with the evil shagging pirates...

Current mood: Comptemplative

Comments:

If you leave me here with these evil shagging pirates I will implae you with... with... yeah!!_Elizabeth_

What???  
_Will and Jack_

Oh... Will, I will make you a eunech if you don't hurry up and rescue me!!! (_shudders in ecascty)_ Well... you don't HAVE to come right away...  
_Elizabeth_

Don't worry, I don't plan to!!  
_Jack_

* * *

**Post 12**

Went to Tortuga.

Saw scarry hooker lady.

Scarry hooker lady slapped Jack.

Saw second scarry hooker lady.

Second scarry hooker lady slapped Jack.

Scarry hooker lady slipped me a 'coochie coupon'.

What the hell is a 'coochie coupon'?!

And why is is wet?!

Current mood: Confused

Comments:

A coochie coupon is a coupon that is given to the cute new arrivals on the island that look like virgins. I've been saving that one in my bloomers for just such an emergancy.  
_Scarrlet_

_(Turns green)_ I feel sick...  
_Will_

Aww... that's cute!! He's sea sick. Here, you can have this one too. (_Slips double coochie coupon)  
Gizelle_

Ugh!! This one is even wetter than the first one!! Oh, and what's a double coochie coupon?  
_Will, still slightly green_

Bring that, and you get two, two, two for the price of one! You hear that you whore?! I'm wetter than you!!  
_Gizelle_

I'm REALLY gonna be sick!!  
_Will_

* * *

**Post 13**

After 25 baths, we found us a crew.

They were dirty.

They smelled.

One had no tongue.

One was a woman.

One was a man dressed like a woman!

A drag- queen pirate?!

Current mood: Curious

Comments:  
I am NOT a drag- queen!! I am an 'impersonator'.  
Black Misstress

_Sure_ you are.  
_Will_

* * *

**Post 14**

Jack and I went into the cave.

Must not look into pirate's mascara lined eyes!!

Jack tried to shag me in the cave.

Said something about the pirate's code of shagging me senseless.

Called me his cave whore.

Hit Jack with oar.

I am no cave whore!!

Current mood: Vibrant

Comments:  
If you didn't want to shag, you could have just said so.  
_Jack_

I AM NO CAVE WHORE!!  
_Will_

Stop being a sodding cave whore and save me!! (_shudders in ecasty)_ Well... give me a few more minutes.  
_Elizabeth_

Aren't you tired of shagging the evil shagging pirates yet?  
_Will_

**

* * *

Post 15**

Saved Elizabeth.

Saved gold coin.

Gold coin looks strangely attractive.

I think the gold coin finds me strangely attractive!!

Current mood: Strangely turn on

Comments:  
_(Shine)  
__Gold Coin_

Oh no!! Not again!!! I still didn't get to come!!  
_Will_

You took too long.  
_Gold Coin_

* * *

**Post 16**

The Black Pearl is chasing us!!

The evil shagging pirates are firing lube and dildos at us!!

We must fire them back before we become strangely turned on and start shagging the dildos senseless!!_ (Gets hit by flying dildo)_

Ohh... a purple one!!!

Well, maybe a quick shag...

Current mood: Possessed and turned on

Comments:  
Will!! Stop that!! Stop shagging that dildo!! That's mine!!  
_Elizabeth_

And just _HOW_ did your dildo get on the evil shagging pirate ship?  
_Will_

Umm... Well, see it's a long story _(Gets hit in eye by flying dildo)_ Ohh!! A red one!!  
_Elizabeth_

* * *

**Post 17**

Crew got captured.

Jack got thrown overboard.

No!!! Not my Jack!!! He was supposed to shag me senseless!!

Elizabeth got thrown overboard.

Yay!!! She kept trying to shag me senseless.

Evil shagging pirates want virginal sacrifice.

Should have shagged Jack in cave...

Current mood: Aggitated, yet slightly horny

Comments:  
Who needs Jack when you got a crew of undead evil shagging pirates that are prepetually horny?  
_Barbossa_

**

* * *

Post 18**

Got dragged in cave by hair.

Got tied up to chest.

The evil shagging pirates are going to shag me senseless!!

Help!!! Jack!!! HEL...Oh my God!!!

Barbossa.. 'sword' is HUGE!!

Ok!! Take me!!!

Current Mood: Willing and Able

Comments:  
Hands of the virgin. There's a boat load of them outside.  
_Jack_

But we want this virgin!!  
_Evil Shagging Pirates_

But, if you go out and shag those virgins on the boat, you'll get more bragging rights!! You'll be the first crew to shag a boat load of virgins.  
_Jack_

And I suppose you don't want me to shag the whelp.  
_Barbossa_

No, by means all, shag the whelp. Just wait for the oppotune moment.  
_Jack_

But... what about me? I need to be shagged now!!  
_Will_

_

* * *

_**Post 19**

Jack and Barbossa are fighting to shag me!!

I'm fighting to shag Jack.

Elizabeth is fighting to shag the evil pirates.

The evil shagging pirates are fighting to shag everyone. Oh no!!

Barbossa has Jack bent over the chest!!

I have to sacrifice myself for him!

Current mood: Excited

Comments:  
No!! If you let them shag you now, then they won't be the plan that Disney mapped out and then they'll turn you into a eunech!! Not that I'll actually get any from you anyway!!  
_Elizabeth_

I don't care!! I don't want anyone to shag Jack but me!! Not some bloody evil shagging pirate!!  
_Will_

* * *

**Post 20**

Jack got free!!

No shagging my pirate!!

Jack shot Barbossa.

I tossed gold coin smeared with my own come in chest.

Jack tossed one in too.

So did Elizabeth.

Wait, she's not supposed to be in this part!!

Scene stealing bitch!!

Current mood: vindictive

Comments:  
Well, I wanted to come on a gold coin too.  
_Elizabeth_

BUT IT'S NOT YOUR BLOODY SCENE!!  
_Will and Jack_

You're just mad because I got to shag the pirates and you didn't.  
_Elizabeth_

Maybe so, but at least I didn't shag ALL the evil shagging pirates in a two day period.  
_Will_

Sod off.  
_Elizabeth_

Bite me!  
_Will_

Pull it out and I will!!  
_Elizabeth_

Bitch!  
_Will_

Cave Whore!  
_Elizabeth_

I AM NO CAVE WHORE, YOU SLUT!  
_Will_

Um... the next scene is starting.  
_Jack_

SOD OFF!!  
_Elizabeth and Will_

* * *

**Post 21 **

Norrie wants to hang Jack.

Will save Jack from certain hanging death.

Blackmailed Elizabeth into helping.

I siezed an oppotuen moment!!

Let my pirate go!!

Current mood: Heroic

Comments:  
You don't know where your place is, Mr. Turner. On your knees, NOW!!  
_Norrington_

I know where my place is. On my knees in front of Jack!!  
_Will_

Mine too!!  
_Elizabeth_

Mine too! I mean, put your guns down!!  
_Govenor Swann_

* * *

**Post 22**

Rescued my pirate.

Going now to shag said pirate.

What do you mean I have to shag Elizabeth?!

She already shagged a full ship of shagging evil pirate! There's no way I shagging her!!

_(Mickey Mouse passes Will new script.)_

They've turned me into a eunech!!! NOOOOOOO!!!

OK!! OK!! I'll shag her!!!

Current mood: disgusted, appaled, and slightly horny.

Comments:

Hello?

Elizabeth?

Norrie?

Jack?

Evil Shagging Pirates?

Dildo?

* * *

I hope you enjoied this!! Here is a sample of the next VSLJ! 

Norrington:

I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!

I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!

I am not a pervy pirate fancier!!

Aww the hell wit it. Where's Barbossa?

Current mood: denial

Comments:

HOW DARE YOU, YOU LYING BASTARD!!! YOU ARE SSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOO NOT GETTING ANY!!!

Gillete

* * *

Govenor Swann: 

Ran into evil shagging pirate on my ship.

Horney evil shagging pirate asked me to beat it off.

I did...

* * *

So now decide: 

Who's journal should I do next:

Norrington or Barbossa?


End file.
